I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
lol hangovers are for mortals.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize