I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
