guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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