I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize