and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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