I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
