The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
