he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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