she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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