I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
