I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
