Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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