if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize