checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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