I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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