I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
