What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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