Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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