Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Randomize
