last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
