Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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