He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
