i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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