I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
