i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
