Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
