do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I deserve this hangover.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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