tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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