the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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