I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
