If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
