you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
