definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
