Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
