you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
