once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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