I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Randomize