im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my shit smells like andre
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Two words: blizzard sex
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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