I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
