I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
