I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize