my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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