filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
