wanna go halves on a baby?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
