Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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