Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
