I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
