So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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