He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
