I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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