the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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