I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
