Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
