What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
How's work?
Spinning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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