I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
