Im at strip club and am horny
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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