Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
